>> Thursday, April 12, 2012
Stream of Consciousness Day. Start with the sentence “_______”just write, don’t stop, don’t edit. Post!
When I first saw this prompt, I drew a blank. What do I write about? What goes on in my head? Ha ha! We may not want to know but today will be a peek.
This post may be sloppy with run-on sentences and spelling errors. Thanksfully, some will be corrected thanks to autocorrect. Some will live on forever on this blog.
Anyway, starting to think about this was giving me a complex I think. I'm actually afraid to do this for fear of where this may go. I almost didn't do this one. This writing challenge has been good for me in a lot of ways but in one other way, I feel inferior. Inadequate.
I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but I can’t help it sometimes. Many of these other writers are facing real serious challenges and illnesses and here I sit typing away about fluff stuff and being a little overweight and that my biggest challenge is keeping active. Ugh. But I’ve made it clear (I hope) that I’m aware of my good health and I certainly don’t take it for granted.
I know this doesn’t make me or should make me feel any less but in some ways I feel I have a story to tell somewhere. Maybe??
I draw inspiration from others no matter their challenge. I'm inspired to do better, motivated to do something.
I feel inferior in other areas though. I know I know, STOP IT! I need to stop thinkin that I need to have this or that (not just material things) or look this way or that way, wear this or that, do this or that, be here or there. I can criticize myself over everything. So what is my deal? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just close to that time of the month so I’m more sensitive or maybe it’s my mind saying you have the ability to change whatever it is you don’t like or is it a female thing? I hate that by the way…and “that time of the month” stuff, too. I hate excusing it.
One thing I’ve hated about the excuse of it’s htat time of the month is just because it is doesn’t mean you don’t have those feelings of anger, sadness or happiness or whatever. It’s just heightened, IMHO. The filters no longer work (or as well) to keep emotions in check.
Anyway, I don’t mean to make this post be so negative but maybe it’s something I needed to share. I’m human. I have my ups and downs like the next person. It’s not often I get really personal on this blog. I keep somethings close to me out of protection.
There are some things I wish I could share here because it could either help someone else or help me better understand others or what to do in some situations but out of respect for others I don’t. it wouldn’t be fair or appropriate.
This post has me a little emotional right now. I’m frustrated . i don’t know what to think now. I sound selfish. I’m complaining about being inferior but then turn around saying how grateful I am for my good life. Does that make sense?
I am selfish. I am. I’m getting worked up about what others may or may not think, which isn’t fair in itself. It’s all stupid and silly.
But maybe I needed to just throw this out there to get the marbles out and start fresh again. A weird way of venting I suppose. There is a strong possibility thought that an hour from now I’m going to feel silly about this post being out there.
Time to end or I will ramble on for who knows how long and then you’ll KNOW how weird I am! (Hey, being weird is a badge of honor!)
I’ll have do another ramble on post another time but hopefully one more upbeat. Time to hit publish before I read this!